So I try

To stay occupied.

Busy.

To not let my mind wander

Or my heart feel.

But fate is an amazing crazy scary thing.

And just when you're trying to forget

PINTREST shows me your face.

And I can't breathe for a second.

It's like that feeling I had the other day when it felt like being punched in the gut, just not as bad.

But still bad.

And the tears begin to fall.

And I'm inconsolable .....my chest aches and all I do is sob silently.

Because in the end. In this moment. It's not about how I feel.

It's never been about how I feel.

And the phrase that haunted me for years comes back to me....

"I don't want to do this anymore"

It's crystal clear......I don't want to feel this way anymore.

It's slowly killing my spirit. It's 3:12 am and I'm broken.

I know I need to move on from this. Be it 5 hours or 15 years ago.....the pain is the same.

It's real.